As a Child and Youth Counsellor, I have always felt a little nervous about this concept because I fear it has misleading implications. In our busy lives, where time is often at a premium, attempting to reserve or schedule what we perceive is going to be ‘quality time’ might seem like a great idea except for one thing: is our child accepting of our agenda?

I often speak with parents who feel overwhelmed and puzzled by a child who appears to seek their attention through what they feel are negative behaviors: But I take him to hockey, baseball and swimming! I don’t know what else I can reasonably do with him! I’m exhausted trying to keep-up!

Instead of attempting to increase the amount of scheduled quality time with a child, I propose something far more basic and fundamental: increase the quality of simple moments everyday whereby you slow down to connect with your child.

Parenting is not about what you do with your child, it is about who you are to your child [Neufeld].

Dr. Neufeld often discusses the importance of the simple energies of delight, enjoyment and warmth within the attachment space between parent and child. In what ways do I express delight in my children, enjoyment of them, and warmth in how I am with them? These are vital questions that I stop and ask myself every once and a while, especially when things feel stressed, negative or ‘out-of-sync’ in my family. These are the very qualities that I seek to bring into the daily space between my children and myself.

Stop, as you do the laundry, to sit on the floor for a few minutes of undivided attention with your children; smile or hug them spontaneously as you fix the car; sit with them and show interest as they surf the net; join them in coloring; ask them about their interests; touch them gently as you pass by to acknowledge you’re thinking about them; turn the radio up and dance a song together; give them a role in your important chore; play a three-minute chase-and-tickle game; go for a walk around the block together; play follow the leader for a few turns; plop on the couch beside them for a bit; join them in a video-game, bring them a nice warm cup of hot chocolate, help them to complete the chore they have been avoiding all day; turn supper into a picnic; light some candles at suppertime, watch a movie together, engage in belly laughs and fits of giggles with them… the list is endless.

Instead of spreading yourself thin to schedule chunks of ‘quality time’, you will be investing your energy in spreading important moments throughout the day whereby you simply connect with your child.

It never ceases to amaze me how sometimes, only after the fact and in reflection of something that already happened, I realize just how rich the moment was with my child. It hits me freshly in the aftermath that I never could have scheduled or planned the spontaneous “quality” of the interaction… I could only leave myself open to it’s possibility as I brought my delight, enjoyment and warmth into the space between myself and my child.   

 In the context of reflecting upon my 65^th birthday this past December, I came across this quote from Charles Dickens’s last novel, Our Mutual Friend. My ponderings on these words continued into the arena usually reserved for New Year’s resolutions.

Dickens’s phrase took me by surprise for its deep insight into what it means to be fully human, its crystalline clarity, and its sheer succinctness. After 40 years of studying the unfolding of human potential, I can’t think of a way of saying it better or briefer. In short, I thought it was brilliant.

It also stopped me short. Despite all the consonance with this statement theoretically, the dissonance with my experience is palpable. I shall try to explain.

My 65^th birthday has been a time of contemplation regarding my relationship to work. I have been fortunate in that while I have always had to work for a living, I have seldom thought of what I was doing as work. So when it came to that time when most working people yearn for more “want to’s” in their life than “have to’s”, it only requires a slight shift in thinking on my part to get there. I now intend to ‘play’ instead of ‘work’, which really shouldn’t result in doing anything differently than what I have been doing.

That part was relatively easy. When I look at my life in terms of realizing my full potential as a human being, this is another story altogether. I feel like I am only at the beginning of this mysterious journey. Sixty-five puts me officially into the senior years, which means that there is a lot of growing up to do and very little time, relatively speaking, in which to do it.

Now let me return to why I think this quote brilliant and why it becomes my ultimate yearning as well as captures my theoretical thinking.

The ‘heart that never hardens’ gets to the essence of the prerequisite condition for the unfolding of human potential. Emotion is the engine of development. Yes emotion, not behaviour, not cognition, not consciousness, not intention, not even love. What developmental science has uncovered is that our brain can only move us to mature when we feel our emotions, especially the most vulnerable ones. Unfortunately it is in our tender feelings that we also sense our insecurities, our wounds, and our fragility. Any defense against these feelings becomes a hindrance to our true growth.  It is not easy to face life with a soft heart.

The ‘temper that never tires’ speaks to the finishing touch of the developmental process: the mixing of conflicting feelings, thoughts, impulses and perceptions. We now know that the prefrontal cortex is the mixing bowl of the brain and can continue development well into adulthood if conditions are conducive. We also know that corpus callosum (the bridge between our two hemispheres)  is the key to being able to apply our full brain to solving life’s problems and also requires a development. In other words, to truly grow up we need to leave the felt safety of pure certainty and live in the middle of our conflicting thoughts and feelings. This is not easy to do in the best of times and much harder to do when we are tired than when refreshed. It means opening ourselves up to all that is within us, even those aspects that conflict with our values, and even the feelings that conflict with our intentions.

The ‘touch that never hurts’ speaks to the ability to be ourselves in the context of others, yet without unnecessary wounding. Sometimes it is impossible but nevertheless should be our aim. To do this requires great consciousness and consideration of both self and other. This also is not an easy accomplishment.

Which brings me to explain why these attributes cannot be realized through resolution alone. In short, we cannot mature by commanding ourselves to grow up, or by demanding it, or even by willing it. While maturation is a spontaneous process, it is certainly not inevitable. So we are left to yearn and to hope that our yearning will bear fruit. But what do we yearn for?

After years of study of how development unfolds, I have become convinced that the ‘touch that never hurts’ is the fruit of a ‘temper that never tires’ which only becomes possible when there is a ‘heart that never hardens’. Hence the brilliance of this pithy phrase.

So as I encounter yet another New Year but for the first time as an official ‘senior’, I find myself full of new yearnings to  ‘have a heart that never hardens’ and full of new hope that my potential is still unfolding.

As a noun I think ‘home’ must annoy newcomers to the English language because of its multiple meanings – we use it interchangeably to refer to personal feelings towards someone, a geographical location or a tangible building.  It’s not hard to understand ‘home’ on a physical dimension, from the walls, roof, to the kitchen sink.  Phrases such as ‘home address,’ ‘home base,’ or ‘home row’ all point to the where can orient ourselves to and from. I am more interested and intrigued by the psychological sense of home that is found in human relationships. The feeling of having a home is key to understanding what it is our children and youth need from us and is one of the irreducible needs of every human being. As creatures of attachment it is from this sense of home that our story begins and ends.

The purpose of attachment is to facilitate dependence starting from falling in ‘like’ and then love, the sense of belonging and loyalty, as well as psychological intimacy. Attaching is the gluing process that binds us to one another and what serves to begin our dance together. Our relationship with our children is a dance where our best moves convey a strong caring lead that inspires them to follow us. Dancing when this dependency is present makes parenting easy but not frustration free. In taking the lead we invite the child to lean on us and to see us as their safe bet, a harbour from the storms. When all is well for a child you can tell ‘whom’ their home base is as they will make a bee-line for them when they are scared or hurt. Children even come with a ‘homing device’ that creates separation anxiety when apart from those they are attached to. These invisible feelings of home are created in the spaces between us and provide protection so that it never occurs to us to ‘run away from home.’

The act of comforting someone actually rests on feeling at home with them. Trying to comfort a child who doesn’t know you can create additional alarm and frustration despite good intentions. When one of my daughters was 4 she had a big temper tantrum (ok, she had many), and at the tail end of it started to soften and wailed that she wanted to go home. At first I was a little baffled as we were in our house but I intuitively reached out to comfort her and realized as she settled into her tears that I was her place of home. When we think of a ‘home’ in this psychological sense we associate it with a sense of rest where there is room to be just as you are, a place of retreat from chaos into the arms of someone who makes you feel safe. When we are lost it is home that we seek.

I think the hardest thing to contend with at this time of year when so many people are celebrating connection and heading ‘home for the holidays’ – is the feeling of not being at home in the attachments one has or feeling a void where we wished for more connection. I think this missing sense of ‘home’ is at the heart of what makes the holidays so distressing for too many people.  Sometimes there are separations that are unavoidable and where solace is found through sentiments such as “I’ll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.” Regardless of the reason for the lack of home it is actually one’s grief that promises rest here. When we become aware of what is missing or has been lost we can find our tears. In the wake of grief one can find renewal by surrounding oneself with those that truly invite and offer the type of relationship where there is safety, comfort, and rest. The beautiful thing is we can make ourselves at home in many places and with many different people – this is the freedom inherent in our human capacity for attachment.

Finally, while I am sure I have offended some cat lovers I confess to being one myself and hold steadfast to the idea that even cats need to have a place of home too.  They remind me of the need for generosity no matter what the behaviour or perceived ‘return’ may be. It is typical to hope for ‘Peace on Earth’ at Christmas but my wish this year is for every child, youth, man, woman and beast to have at least one attachment with whom they truly feel at home with.

“The light is what guides you home, the warmth is what keep you there.” Ellie Rodriguez

I recall a close friend in this struggle years ago when her daughter had trouble entering the classroom at the start of the day and saying good-bye to mom. The teacher told the child that Pippi Long Stocking, Harry Potter and Anne of Green Gables all managed to get by without their parents and she would too. Her alarm skyrocketed and the school administrator told my friend she was not allowed to come into the school to say good-bye to her daughter at the beginning of each school day. Coming home at lunch was also thought to contribute to the problem and more peer interaction was recommended. An anxiety disorder was suggested and therapy recommended. This mother would have none of it and did what she knew was in the best interest of her daughter. She continued to walk her daughter to class to say good-bye and put the focus on their return by letting her daughter know they would see each other at lunch. She also bridged the distance by giving her daughter a locket of hers to hang on to during the day. The school staff disapproved but she felt she knew best. Her daughter is now 12 years old, a leader in her community and happy to go to school.

The daughter recently commented on the time in her life when it was hard to leave her mom. One of her significant memories was when one day, the classroom aide got down to the child’s eye level and said, ”It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay it miss your mom.” For this little girl, those words were her comfort and she never forgot them. The principal recently commented on how much this girl had “blossomed” which was really about her development – something that happens quite naturally when we cultivate deep attachments and provide emotional safety for our children.

Parents are too often being told that their children need to “self-regulate ” their emotions. Behavior management techniques aimed at stopping emotions such as fear and frustration are being recommended for children as young as 5 or 6. Children this young are often being taught to change their thoughts in order to control their emotions. The funny thing about development is that it can’t be taught. Gordon Neufeld has a wonderful expression: ”We don’t need to learn to grow up. We need to feel to grow up.” In other words, children need to have their emotions – all of them. There is no need to push or panic or teach “self-regulation” which is all the buzz these days.

In young children, too much separation is alarming. Do we need to hand them a self-soothing technique to try and make their fears go away? What message are we giving? I tell parents that for many children in Kindergarten, 6 hours is too long to be away from those to whom they are most attached and that it is normal for children to be scared and nervous when they are young. It is quite “normal” for young children to not yet be able to “regulate” their emotions. We need to be careful as a culture not to pathologize separation anxiety in children at 5 or 6 and expect them to behave like small adults. To quote Gordon Neufeld, “Children should live unconsciously”. It is their right. As a culture, this all too often seems to be forgotten.

How much easier it would be if we realized that what children most need from us is support and understanding. Whether it be dealing with a hurtful comment on the playground or a more serious situation such as bullying, children look to us to see what we think of them.

How could we respond when a child tells us of a hurtful situation? First, we need to acknowledge the situation using words such as, “I am so sorry Johnny called you a wienie. That must have hurt your feelings.…but I don’t think you are.” Allowing the child to talk about their emotions, the frustrations and hurts, gives them the message that we care about them.

This is difficult for adults in schools because we feel obliged to do something about the situation. It can be a time consuming venture as we try to uncover what really happened and determine a solution that is often in the form of a consequence which then needs to be meted out and supervised. There is so much to do and such little time. It’s natural to want to move into action when a child comes to us with a complaint.

There is a teacher I know, who now does a LOT of listening when children come to her to complain about their classmates. Interestingly, when she asks the student, after listening to their concern, if he or she would like her to DO something, most often the child says, “No.” There are times when she will speak with the other student, but knowing that her children just want her to listen has made her feel less pressured.

When children sense our “presence” it has a calming effect on their nervous system. In order for us as adults to be “present” we need to be convinced that what we are doing in the moment is just as important as what we will be doing next.

Our children need to know that they are important enough to us that we are willing to listen to their concerns. They want to know what we think of them, and once reassured, can hold onto that for a while, as they experience the rough and tumble of being with their peers. Of course, we need to be alert to situations that need intervention, as our students also look to us to keep them safe. However, this may not need to be done as often as we think.

I send out a challenge to those of you working with children. Try this out as an experiment for a day or two. Come along side the child by acknowledging her feelings and hurt. Provide the child with a word or two that describes how you see him (focus on effort and growth). Acknowledge the injustice of what happened. Even if she asks you to do something, which can be done at a later time, continue to ask her if she is OK. I am sure that you will be pleased with the results.

My thanks to Lorraine Beaudry, a teacher in Alberta, who shared her experiences when I first asked for feedback about this “experiment”.

The Manitoba airport represented to me the best of what community brings to parents and children. You can have all the beautifully landscaped buildings and houses you want but this does not ensure you have a community. Community is about connections between people and it is the natural context in which children were meant to be raised. An attachment village is an invisible matrix in which children mature, developing a sense of rootedness, belonging, and connection. Children look up to and orient around adults in these communities, and many surrogate caregivers abound. Parents today are often separated from extended family and the nuclear family has never been so small. We are so accustomed to being isolated and without a village, that it feels commonplace to us; even though it feels ‘normal’ it certainly isn’t natural.

To this day I refer to the neighbours where I lived as a child as “Auntie Charlotte”, “Uncle Jim”, “Auntie Bee” and so on. The street was full of aunties and uncles and there was a sense when you were out playing in the street that all eyes were upon you. Even those ‘Block Watch’ signs in people’s house windows alerted me that help was never too far away on my walk home from school. But how do we create these villages of attachment for our children when we don’t know our neighbours and are suspicious of those who would display a ‘Block Watch’ sign in their window?

While we can’t turn back the clock to days past when we lived in attachment villages, we can purposively and constructively create them for ourselves. The benefit of living today is that we have the freedom to construct the attachment village for our children and family in whatever way we see fit. We can be conscious of whom we choose to be aunties and uncles, ensuring those who will fit with our parenting philosophy and values. We can matchmake our children with those who will play a surrogate parent role, ensuring that they never have to feel away from home when they are not with their family.

Cultivating an attachment village takes work at relationships and a real desire for connection with others. Whether we come together to celebrate events like Earth Day, BBQ’s, Thanksgiving, or religious events, we get to write our own rules about community. We don’t have to follow prescribed customs; we get to make it up as we go. You will know when your village is forming because many of your people will feel like family, and as such you share trials, sorrows, and celebrations together. The children experience a seamless matrix that they can rest in, play in, and do the work of maturing.

While facing disconnection and isolation may be all too common an everyday experience of parents today, there is much that can be done to cultivate and create the supporting cast that families have always needed throughout time. We don’t have to feel guilty and inadequate because we can’t do it all and be everything to our children, it simply was never meant to be that way.

What is anxiety?

In order to survive and stay safe in the world, our brains are equipped with an alarm system. This system is meant to move us to caution when we are in danger. By the age of 6 months in utero, the fetus already has a working alarm system. Later on, it will help the child develop caution, carefulness, concern, and conscientiousness. This is an intricate system which involves the limbic system, the hypothalamus, autonomic nervous system, attention system, endocrine system and many special neurotransmitters. The alarm system plays an important role in development, and parents are a key influence in making sure that this system remains working in a healthy way.

What makes children go into alarm?

There is almost no end to what can trip this alarm system, whether we are conscious of it or not. When we feel anxiety, it means we are in alarm. This produces feelings of being unsafe, apprehensive and restless.

Children go into alarm at bedtime, when a new baby arrives, when they go to school, when their parents divorce, when teddy bear gets lost, when they realize that death is an inevitable part of life, when they are rejected by friends, when someone is angry at them, and so on. These sources of alarm are quite obvious, but then there are also the hidden sources of alarm – realizing that parents can’t keep you safe, that something bad could happen to someone you love, sensing you are too much to handle, that you can’t meet the expectations of others, that you are not important to someone you care about or that you must keep a secret that divides you. All of these cause anxiety and a chronic vague sense of being unsafe, apprehensive and restless. These are the subjective experiences of an activated alarm system, even when we don’t see what is alarming us.

Children do not see what alarms them because the true root of alarm is the fear of separation from the people and things to which they are attached. This vulnerability is too much to bear. It is less vulnerable to fear darkness, ants, noises, shadows or monsters under the bed. Today more children are experiencing anxiety as they face separation from their parents in unprecedented numbers at younger and younger ages for longer and longer hours. Dr. Gordon Neufeld has given us the insight into these intricate dynamics, so that we can prevent and solve the problems arising from too much alarm.

The Prevention and Solution of Alarm Problems

Deep attachment to a caring adult is the key to helping children feel safe and preventing the problems that stem from alarm. Children need to rest in secure relationships, in the context of home and in any framework in which they are cared for. Parents, teachers and caregivers together must be mindful of this most basic need.

As my granddaughter stood frozen before the ants, I came alongside her, took her by the hand and said, “Let’s count to three and then we’ll run and jump over the ants!” That’s what we did and we made it safely to the other side – together. This story is a metaphor. When our children are facing alarm, we must hold on to them, keep them attached to us and help them safely to their destination. Then they can grow up and become independent.

In that moment it suddenly dawned on me what was about to play out … and what I wanted more than ever was to pull her back and protect her from what might happen. And that was because I saw something she did not … I knew that the doll she was holding so lovingly was not your typical doll. This “doll” was an alien puppet that belonged to her father – a gag gift actually, but this concept would have been lost on a five year old. To any other eyes it would be seen as ugly, but to her it was precious. She had fallen in love with this alien and carried it around like a doll. If nothing else, it was a connection with her father, whom she adored.

So what was I worried about? Her taste in dolls was not really a concern in my eyes, especially because I could see the affection behind it. My concern was that the other children might not see the same endearing qualities of this ugly doll … and they might not be able to contain their disgust.

As it turns out, my concern was both warranted and realized. “What an ugly doll!” echoed through the air. The words were wounding and I could see the hurt look in my daughter’s face as she experienced rejection from her peers.

My heart yearned to protect her. I wanted to take the hurt away and keep her from experiencing anything else that might wound. Yet this was a pivotal moment for me as I realized this was only the beginning. There would be some things in her life that she would have to face, and I suddenly saw the importance of her developing the strength and confidence to face them. Although very tempting, maybe keeping her in a bubble was not the best idea. I had the sense that protecting her meant something more, something deeper. And so I chose not to brush off the experience or try to distract and make her feel better; rather I chose to hold her in that painful moment. I wrapped my arms around her while she felt the sadness and disappointment of the rejection until she could move through it to the other side.

As I hugged my daughter and the tears came, I felt her pain. And I realized that as a parent there would be times I would need to step in and shield her from things that were too much to bear, otherwise I risked her defenses taking over and toughening her heart. At the same time, there were going to be some times where she needed to know what she could handle things, that she could survive the girls’ wounding words. And I needed to be there for her through these experiences, to be a safe place and to keep her heart soft. This was the key to her becoming resilient and able to face the challenges that inevitably lay ahead. Because there just might be more ugly dolls in her future …

As a parent and professional, I have found the concept of counterwill to be absolutely pivotal and ground breaking. Counterwill was first discussed by insightful Austrian psychoanalyst, Otto Rank [1884-1939], and later adapted by Neufeld to describe our instinctive defensive resistance to feeling forced. It is an instinct present across the life-span, although far more intense during the growth-spurt phases of around two, and again during adolescence.

Counterwill can present as moments of defiance, balkiness and digging-in, yet it serves a constructive purpose in development. According to Neufeld, the counterwill instinct has evolved with a two-fold developmental function: to serve attachment and to forward psychological growth.

In terms of attachment, it’s primary role is as a defence that repels the influence of those outside of our attachment circle. It is meant to keep us home and keep us safe as youngsters, and is part of the attachment ‘glue’ that bonds us to our people by ensuring we have a strong instinct not to follow just anybody. It is the catalyst very much behind the toddler turning away from the smiling stranger while in line at the grocery store [perhaps even sticking out the tongue!]. I don’t know you and I am not attached to you! it tries to say.

In terms of forwarding psychological growth, counterwill again evokes an urge of ‘push-back’ to feelings of being forced, except within this realm, it is an instinctive reaction to feeling pushed even by those to whom we are attached. These are the strong feelings of resistance that can automatically surge in a youngster when they perceive they are being told what to do, demanded of, or told what to think.

NO! begins to say the two year old, crossing arms and digging-in.

WHITE! says the adolescent when told something is black.

BLACK! says the adolescent when told something is white.

Developmentally-speaking, counterwill inside the natural context of attachment becomes a healthy part of the very young child’s tentative gradual movements towards a necessary sense of ‘separateness’ from parents, and the adolescent’s growth towards psychological independence and the ability to think for themselves. Having studied the counterwill instinct, I am tremendously grateful for the increased ‘smoothness’ in day-to-day parenting that comes with this insight. I am able to see moments of counterwill when my children resist or are digging-in because of sheer reaction to how I’ve approached them, and I’ve learned to momentarily alleviate my energy of insistence, demand or force to allow things to unclench before moving forward again [rather than trying to push more in the face of their strong counterwill reaction]. 

Important to our study group of educators and mental health professionals, Neufeld discusses in detail how the counterwill instinct can be one of the most perplexing and troublesome dynamics in dealing with children and youth, particularly if it is misunderstood by the adults around the child, or becomes pronounced, intense and stuck. Why? What can cause a healthy and natural instinct to become problematic, frustrating and difficult for the child? How do we approach intense or systemic counterwill, seeking to restore a more settled and healthy balance? These will form important discussion questions for our study group as we focus on Dr. Neufeld’s concept of counterwill.

Editorial Note: For more information on Counterwill, please see Dr. Neufeld’s DVD: Making Sense of Counterwill.

This morning, as I drove to the school where I teach one day a week, I listened to the radio.  They were interviewing a principal from one of the local high schools about what the first day of school was like for the grade 8’s.  In Vancouver, Canada, where I live, most high schools host grades 8 to 12 so for a student entering grade 8, it is a whole new world.   I was very impressed how this school was handling the transition for the young teens.  The principal acknowledged that it can be scary for many grade 8 students and the staff worked hard to devise a plan that would help ease them into their new school experience.

Instead of the grade 8’s arriving to look for their name on a list and having to find their own classes, the staff had the grade 9 to 12 students arrive in the morning and had the grade 8’s arrive in the afternoon so that they wouldn’t feel overwhelmed amongst a sea of older peers. The counsellors had worked with a group of grade 11 and 12 students last year to get them ready to be the “link” for the new students this year. The older “link” students met the grade 8’s in the gym and they formed into small groups where the older teens did some team building exercises with the younger. Then, when the group felt ready, the older students would accompany the grade 8’s in their group to their homerooms and they would stay with them for the remainder of the time that day.  The principal said by putting these kinds of practices into place where the students are supported to feel safe and welcomed, the rate of vandalism and absenteeism has decreased over time.  He also felt that they contributed to students doing better academically in school. When students feel good about coming to school and have a sense of belonging, they naturally do better.

This intuitive principal and staff understood that in order for kids to learn and grow, they first must feel secure and well taken care of.  As Dr. Neufeld states, “All growth emanates from a place of rest.”  Research in neuroscience shows us that stress can impeded learning, in animals and in humans.  I think we all know how it feels not to be able to think straight or perform as well when we are alarmed.  Master teachers understand this well and work hard to put their students at ease, winning their loyalty and hearts so that these teachers create a context in which they can impart their wisdom.

The principal at this Vancouver high school also added that some parents are reluctant to leave their young teens on the first day, given the newness and stress of the situation. He said, instead of shooing them away, they welcome parents to stay in the gym, until the parents feel satisfied that their child is fine and safe.  Again, I was impressed with the way the school handled “the passing of the attachment baton” as Dr. Neufeld calls it.   When children and teens experience separation from their parents or other adults they are attached to, it can produce alarm.  When new teachers and older students welcome them and work to create a safe atmosphere where the new teens can depend on them, it creates a positive experience for all.  It also brings out wonderful caring instincts in the older students who are working hard to create the safe environment for their younger peers.  As we draw out the hierarchy between younger and older, it benefits everyone.  Many elementary schools do this with great success by matching older “buddy classes” with younger ones.

When educators and teaching staff step up to orient students, provide a compass point and invite students to depend on them when they need help, it creates attachments that are so vital for student-teacher relationships. We would do well in all our schools to make this our first order of business – to create contexts of connections between staff and parents, staff and students and older students and younger ones.  Children and youth who feel well taken care of become very caring students.  First we must take care of the emotional needs of our students. Then in the wake of emotional and psychological rest, we have a better chance of cultivating an education system that fosters caring, independent, passionate learners.